The Guac of Shame

In my limited time as a resident of Jackson Heights, I have come to the conclusion that the town features a completely self-sustaining and cyclical economy. Every aspect of Jackson Heights is perfectly placed to keep the system perpetuating, and the locals have become slaves to this system. Allow me to elaborate:

Believe it or not, this city's economy runs on taco stands. Yes, taco stands. Everybody either works at or owns a taco stand, and, moreover, everybody eats these tacos 24 hours per day. This isn't an exaggeration. When I walk to the gym at 5:00am, these stands are still running, and people are gorging their tacos and tortas in all their greasy goodness. You'd think they'd get sick of it after a while, but no. The stands give off too luscious of a scent to withstand. The patrons don't even take their orders home with them. They stand and eat it right on the counter of the taco stand itself.

It seems unrealistic to think that an entire city - a city that seems to be growing every day - can run merely on these Mexican food stands. Well, I used to think it wasn't possible, until I saw two more stands start business outside my subway stop, bringing the current total to three taco stands within the same fifteen feet. And they're ALL busy. Always!

Torta of DOOM!!!

With this empire of taco stands in place, the people of Jackson Heights need not ever leave their beloved picante-seasoned city. It's actually quite difficult to escape. On every street that leads away from Jackson Heights, there are stands strategically positioned to draw the attention of hungry locals. Once that rich aroma of pork and beans fills their nostrils, all hope is lost. Before they can escape the city, they give in to their desires and stuff their mouths with the savory tortas (in pork, chicken, and beef varieties). Immediately after the last bite, their bowels command them to walk home to their bathrooms and take care of business. And the vicious cycle perpetuates.

You must be thinking, "Now, Paul, it can't be impossible for these people to leave Jackson Heights." Alas, I wish you were right. It all comes down to one thing: "The Guac of Shame."

You may have heard of the term "The Walk of Shame." The Urban Dictionary defines it as:

"When you walk home shamefully, wearing the same clothes as the day before, usually after a booty call."

"The Guac of Shame" places a slightly different spin on this concept, though it still involves shameful self-indulgence. I have witnessed this event several times. Here's how it works:

Outside every subway stop in Jackson Heights, there are many taco stands, each of which is known for smothering their dishes with succulent, mouth-watering, and most importantly, delicious-smelling guacamole. In their attempts to use the subway to escape the confines of Jackson Heights, locals must cross this line of aromatic defense in order to get into the station. During my daily commute on the subway, some actually manage to break through the barricade, and even make it upstairs to the subway platform.

Now, here's the kicker. The 7-train is one of the few subway lines in New York that runs above ground. Clearly, this is intentional, as it allows the savory aroma from the taco stands to waft up through the bottom of the subway platform and infiltrate the nostrils of the fleeing residents. Once they inhale, the craving begins. You can see the hunger in their eyes. If they attempt to resist it, their legs become weak, and they start to perspire and look around nervously, their faces red with anxiety. Typically, they'll succumb, and walk down the stairs to feast. But every once in a while, a lucky passenger makes it to the platform just as the train arrives and sprints in quickly to make their escape. The doors close behind them, and the train drives away from the stop.

They think they've succeeded, but sadly, their liberation is short-lived. Once the subway reaches the next stop in Jackson Heights, the doors open and the entire car fills with that luscious, rich smell of avocado, cilantro, and tomato, complimented perfectly by the scent of greasy meat cooking on the grill. It's impossible to resist. During the ten seconds when the doors are open, the escapees endure an arduous experience. Their stomachs crave the satisfaction. Their taste buds lust for the heavenly flavor. Their hands yearn to hold that warm tortilla in their cold and empty palms.

It's no use. It takes about five seconds, and then they're out the door and headed down to the street level. They place their order, hand over two dollars, and proceed to chew on their guacamole-drenched bliss, each gulp filling their body with a warm sense of satisfaction. With the last bite, the bowel's command is not unexpected. They have accepted their purgatorial fate. They step back from the counter, lower their heads, and begin their shameful walk back home to their toilets, beneath the ominous shadow of the 7-train.



Jackson Heights....you can buy tacos at any time, but you can never leave....

The Bonfire of the Insanities: Part One

"Nope, there's no denying it. Believe me, I gave them a chance. I gave them the benefit of the doubt for as long as I could. But, alas, the evidence is incontrovertible."

*To read the rest of this entry, you need super secret exclusive "insider" permission. Email me (paul.t.moura@gmail.com) if you want to read it.

The Eviction

I considered myself fortunate to find a decent living situation upon moving to New York, particularly because I was on my own and was unfamiliar with the city. Still, it didn't take long for a few problems to surface. One evening after work, I was welcomed home by a pleasant "NOTICE OF EVICTION" on my door....



*To read the rest of this entry, you need super secret exclusive "insider" permission. Email me if you want to read it.

The Heights

Let's get one thing straight: As far as the New York boroughs go, Queens will never be cool. Still, Jackson Heights isn't so bad. I'd say it has, well, character. For people outside of New York, Jackson Heights is probably best known as being the home town of Betty Suarez in "Ugly Betty". The television show gives a pretty good representation of the city. The people of Jackson Heights, in fact, look a lot like this:



Moreover, I've noticed some pretty wretched eating habits here, and this city itself is filthy. Regardless, it is what it is. In some ways, the town feels like a third-world country. The food at the grocery stores seems pretty questionable ($1.99/lb turkey breast?), nothing is ever labeled with a price tag, and they always make me hand over my bag when I enter in order to prevent shoplifting. Everything is sort of haphazardly organized. It took me forever to figure out where they keep the peanuts. I guess I should have assumed that they'd be in the dairy section, right?

Another thing: I find it odd that there are at least four hair salons on every block. What's even stranger is that they all seem to be packed and bustling with activity day and night. Those inside are often about my age, pregnant, and also have two children running in circles around them. Is it possible that these people are not concerned with showering, but are more than happy to get their hair done every day? Well, I think the salons are more of a social scene, too, and the women of Jackson Heights go there to gossip and exchange techniques for frying plantains.

For me, the most ghetto thing I have to deal with in Jackson Heights is my gym. When I was looking for an apartment, I wanted to live somewhere within walking distance from a place where I could exercise. What I found was "Gymnasio": The best gym slash planned parenthood center slash brothel in Queens. ¡Que bueno!

When I first walked into the gym, there was a woman sitting at the front desk. She was probably about forty years old, fairly obese, wore stained gray sweats, had severe acne, and went a little overboard with her makeup. We had a nice conversation about what to do for fun in Jackson Heights. I asked her if she went into the city much...

"No, way," she responded. "The subways are so dirty. I would never set foot on the subways in this city. I have everything I need here," said the filthy woman as she reached for another dorito.

I told her that I was interested in a gym, and asked if I could look around. She said, "No.", and that I could only enter after paying for a membership. I asked her if there were any trial memberships just to see if I liked the gym, and she said "Nope." Hmmmm. It sounded quite sketchy, but at less than $20/month, I figured I could take the risk.

Well, as far as gyms go, it's pretty bad. Half of the machines have said "out of order" since I've been here, most of the treadmills are broken, there aren't enough weights or benches, all of the cables are frayed, most of the patrons bring food and consume more calories at the gym than they burn, and nothing is ever cleaned. I frequently see condom wrappers in the stairwell by the entrance, too. Not sure what that's about.

I suppose I have made a friend there, though. One day, a woman was using the abdominal machine next to me. She was short, middle-aged, and overweight, but seemed pretty determined to get in better shape. Anyway, she got into the machine and started to do some crunches, when suddenly her weight caused the seat to unlock, and she plummeted and crashed to the ground, and then rolled for a few feet onto the floor. It looked painful, and I rushed to help her up. She said she was okay, though I imagine she had to be mortified.

A few minutes later, I was messing around with some five-foot long poles that they have lying around the floor for some reason, and I started spinning them like I used to with my marching band mace. The woman saw this, walked up to me, and asked me if I could teach her how to do it, too. I realized just then exactly how shameless she was, both because she wasn't embarassed after breaking the machine with her weight, and because she was blithely talking to me despite the disgusting dripping sweat stains over her crotch area.

Sure, Jackson Heights probably sounds ghetto, but there's a lot to love here. I really enjoy how ethnic it is. The Latin and South Asian presense provides for some excellent food. Also, my subway stop rocks because six lines run through it, and I can get almost anywhere in NYC with relative ease. Honestly, it truly is refreshing to come back here after spending all day in the chaotic and expensive city. It feels more "real" compared to commercialized Manhattan, and the people are much nicer. For a year, it's not a bad place to call "home."

The Jump

I walked down the bus stairs and onto the crowded sidewalk. To my right, I could see the Chrysler Building rising just above the concrete urban jungle. To my left was the Lincoln Building, where I would report early Monday morning. Straight ahead was Grand Central Terminal, with its gothic architecture serving as an island of aesthetic beauty amidst a sea of corporations and caffinnated commuters. Behind me, was my entire life. No, no, I don't mean metaphorically. That would be so cliché. I mean literally...I managed to fill my whole life into two small suitcases, and now I was here in Manhattan, homeless and alone.

So, what happened? I was ready to start law school at Notre Dame, but at the last minute, I decided that it just didn't feel like the right choice in my life right now. After exploring several alternatives, I was offered a job working at a law office in New York City. A one-way flight from Detroit to LaGuardia, and a shuttle ride from the airport to Midtown, led me right to this spot.

Perhaps fortunately for me, I have had a lot of recent experience being homeless and living out of a suitcase. I recently spent a month in Europe, where I kept my entire life in a backpack and moved from hostel to hostel. My introduction to New York City was just an extension of this nomadic lifestyle. No, I had never really been to New York before, but I wasn't worried. All I needed was a subway map and my laptop and I was ready to seize the day.

First thing's first: Finding a place to live. Through the magic of CraigsList, I spent the past few days emailing people who had rooms available. I had a list of six addresses and phone numbers. I walked into Grand Central Station, purchased my monthly subway pass, and commenced.

The first place was in Woodside, Queens. There was an unfurnished room available in a house with three guys in their twenties. The guys were all chefs in Manhattan, and all very nice. The place was a pigsty, though, and it was obvious that they were all pretty unhealthy. Still, the location was not bad, the rent was cheap, and the room was nice. But then they told me that the room wasn't available for another month. Gee, guys, thanks for letting me know. I crossed that one off my list.

Next stop: East 28th Street in Manhattan. I had high hopes for this one. On the map, this looked like a great location. The rent listed was also reasonable. The owner was a middle-aged guy named "Sal", and he met me on the steps of his apartment. Now, apartment may be an overstatement here. This was a glorified closet. The kitchen was just a sink and microfridge. The bathroom was just a shower with a curtain, and the toilet was sort of in both the bathroom and the kitchen. Also, the "available room" was not really a bedroom. In the small entryway between Sal's bedroom and the kitchen, there was a curtain set up with a bed behind it. Nice. Apparently, Sal was able to take pictures for CraigsList from angles that made it look like an actual place a human being could inhabit. Alas, it wasn't. Cross that one off.

The next place was on East 32nd Street in Manhattan. This was a little more expensive, but sounded nice, so I figured it was worth checking out. It was owned by an older couple, and the man had a clear accent over the phone. I called him to schedule a time and place to meet. When I walked to the meeting place, there was no one there. I tried calling his number, and there was no answer. Not even a voicemail. Awesome. Cross that one off, too.

My next try was a room that was available on Roosevelt Island. This is a small island in between Manhattan and Queens. It seemed a little isolated, but it does have a subway stop, so I thought I'd give it a try. The CraigsList had said "must not have an aversion to Chinese food." Sweet! I love Chinese food. The owner seemed nice in his emails, and he told me to call him when I got to the island. Upon my arrival, I dialed his number. Unfortunately, this guy's accent was so bad that I could not understand a single word he was saying. He tried to give me instructions in his broken English, but it was useless. At that point, I knew this one was a dead end. I told the guy that I would try to call back or email him later, and I got back on the subway. Yup, cross that one off, too. (Note: I emailed him that night to tell him I wasn't interested, and he angrily responded saying that I wasn't "man enough" to check the place out. Sheesh...even the best Chinese food isn't worth this much trouble.)

At this point, I was getting a little worried. My best bet was the first place in Woodside, but I would have to couchsurf across the city for a month before I could move in. My next try was a place in East Harlem. It was conveniently located on the 6 line, which goes right to Grand Central Station. It seemed promising. The room was being used by a 20-year old from South Africa. He was really nice in his emails, and desperately wanted to find someone to find his room because he already had a new place lined up for himself. This apartment was in the slums of Harlem, and, like Sal's place, was way too small to be inhabited by human beings. Nevertheless, the were four people living there. Two didn't speak English, and one was a Russian bodybuilder woman named Olga. The young man showed me his "room". It was astonishing. There was a mini twin bed inside, which took up 90% of the room. The other 10% consisted of a small schooldesk...like, the kind you use in elementary school where the chair and desk are attached. It was a disaster. This poor guy was a fool to think he could find someone to live in these conditions.

"As you can see, it's fully furnished with a bed and a desk," he said to me. I suppose that appeared to be true.

"Actually, I think I'm going to take the desk with me to my new place when I move out," he added surreptitiously.

"Of course," I thought. I mean, who would ever want to part with a magnificent piece of furniture like that. Sigh...this place was a disaster. I told him I'd give him a call and let him know what I decide.

East Harlem

I had one place left. This was bad. None of the options seemed reasonable so far. Perhaps my price range was too low and I needed to look at more expensive rooms. Well, anyway, the last place on my list was in Jackson Heights, Queens. It was two stops beyond Woodside on the 7 line. The apartment was on the top floor of a law and realtor's office. The overtenant's name was Jackson (Jackson in Jackson Heights...weird). He and a guy named Dave, both in their mid-twenties, were living there. Both of them were from Michigan, in fact. The available room was furnished with a bed, had a decent amount of space, and had a closet. The bathroom and kitchen were both small, but manageable. And the living area had a nasty-looking couch and a TV.

Overall, I thought it was fine, but I wondered if my standards had dropped throughout the day. I walked around the block to check out the neighborhood. Most of the signs were in Spanish, and the restaurants and people were all Latin or southeast Asian. Around the corner were two supermarkets, and the groceries were far cheaper than what I saw in Manhattan. Down the street was a public library, a post office, and a small school. The subway stop was a block away, making the commute to Manhattan just under 30 minutes. This could work.

Under the 7 train in Jackson Heights.

So, there you have it. In one LONG Saturday, I went from being homeless, to becoming a resident of Jackson Heights, Queens, New York, with a solid job at a Manhattan Law Office.

And so began my year as a California boy and Michigan grad living and working in The Big Apple.

The EuroTrip: Part Deux

Because I anticipated law school being three years of, well, hell...I decided that I should take a nice trip with my friends. After a lot of ridiculous planning (check out the itinerary), I ended up spending three amazing and life-changing weeks backpacking across Central Europe with Tom, Kevin, and Brian. Here was our schedule:

22nd-23rd: Stuttgart, Germany
24-25: Amsterdam, Netherlands
26-28: Berlin, Germany
29-31: Prague, Czech Republic
1-2: Vienna, Austria
3-4: Mayrhofen, Austria
5-6: Milan, Italy
7-8: Geneva, Switzerland
8-9: Interlaken, Switzerland
10: Gimmelwald, Switzerland
11-13: Munich, Germany


Now, each place was fascinating enough to fill up an entire blog entry, but I simply cannot put all of it into words right now. For now, I will just post some photos below with descriptions, and gradually update this post over the next week or so.

STUTTGART, GERMANY

Stuttgart is a beautiful city in the southern/central area of Germany. They had awesome bakeries, a really cool park (The Schlossgarten), and an awesome Mercedes-Benz museum. We stayed with Tom at the University of Stuttgart. The highlight was definitely our soccer game with the Germans, followed by dinner and drinks at the biergarten in the Schlossgarten. This marked the beginning of my newfound love for European beer.

Palace and plaza in Stuttgart city centre.

They had some sort of event/exhibit in honor of the World Cup, with bears representing each country in the world. This is me and the Portugal bear.

Brian and the American bear.

We played an awesome soccer/football game of Americans versus Germans. As expected, we were thoroughly demolished. They outscored us by about 15 goals. Still, in the end, we decided to play "Next Goal Wins," and I scored the winning goal! In all, I had 2 goals, 2 assists, 0 goals allowed, and about a million turnovers.

AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS

Everyone knows about Amsterdam. It's a city of immorality, drugs, sex, and Indonesian food. Our hostel was in the Red Light District, which certainly made things interesting. In the windows, you could see women in bikinis, and there were pornography stores in every direction. I didn't care much for the inner-city. It felt like an amusement park to me. Instead, we took some time to travel outside of the city centre and get a more "Dutch" experience.

Drinking gourmet coffee in Amsterdam. From a machine. In the train station.


Wandering the streets of Amsterdam in search of our hostel.


The Sex Museum. It was lame.


This is crazy. You put money in the slot just like any vending machine, and out comes burgers and fries and other greasy nonsense. How does the South not have this?


See, this is what you SHOULD do in Amsterdam. Tom and I rented bikes for a day, found a map, and went searching for windmills in the outskirts of the city. It was fun, except the basket on the front of my bike was about 246 lbs.


Windmills in the suburbs of Amsterdam.


Playing with the gizmos and gadgetry at the NEMO Museum. Look! I'm in a bubble!


This was embarrassing. Facing head-on, I thought this glass hemisphere was concave and not convex, and then I proceeded to bash my face right into the glass. Tom managed to take a photo of it while laughing hysterically.


One final photo on our way out of the city. In all, Amsterdam was a little too sordid for my tastes.


BERLIN, GERMANY

Never would I have guessed how much I'd love Berlin. I think the city gets a bad rap because of the whole Holocaust and Iron Curtain thing. Still, the history is fascinating, and it's so valuable to be able to actually observe the reunification process succeeding in the city. The East and West sides clearly have different atmospheres, with the West being more modern and commercial. Still, the East is progressing right along. In fact, I think I enjoyed East Berlin more than the West side. Overall, things in the city were cheap, the locals were nice, the S-Bahn (subway) was efficient, the food was good, the beer was amazing, and the sightseeing was incredible. Prost!

Brandenburg Tor, a gateway dividing East and West Berlin. Our !FREE! city tour started here.


The Berliner Dome!


Here are some pieces of the Berlin Wall outside of Potsdamer Platz. The Platz is a nice and modern shopping area in West Berlin. You can find these pieces of the wall scattered across the city.


Top of the Reichstag. The Reichstag is the main seat of government. The view from the top is surreal. I'm smiling because I just finished drinking a delicious Milchkaffee.


The Holocaust Memorial. It's design was very ambiguous, and apparently meant to be that way. Germans are very regretful about the atrocities committed during World War II and the Holocaust. I was amazed with how well they have come to terms with their mistakes and misdeeds.


Me looking fierce until the tower in the center of Berlin's main park. Tom and I walked to the foot of the tower and did what we do best: Took a nap.


Checkpoint Charlie: Gateway to the American Sector during post-war occupation. It's now a haphazardly-put-together museum, but the history is quite interesting.


Another delicious beer. I know they have Paulaner in the U.S., but it tastes WAY better in Germany.


In Germany you can carry open containers of alcohol out in public. It was common to see people walking on the streets or heading to work with a beer in their hands, as if it were a bottle of water. Here, Tom and I bought some Becks and drank it on the side of a riverbank overlooking the new ultramodern Berlin Hoptbanhof. It was our version of pregaming before the bar crawl.


Our tour group organized a bar crawl one evening. We met a really nice couple from Norway, and their English was flawless. We got VIP passes at several bars, and Tom somehow managed to go up to the bar and get us beers without paying. Twice. Berlin is awesome.


Best part of the evening: Doners! It's a pita/bread type substance, covered in meat, cabbage, lettuce, and smothered in three delicious sauces. I think the meat is from a mixture of beef, lamb, chicken, squirrel, and camel. Or was it llama? Anyway, they were dirt cheap in Berlin. This one was 2.50, but we found some for 2.00, as well. We came to the conclusion that, strangely, the cheaper they were, the better they tasted.

Prague, Czech Republic (and more) coming soon....

The Homelessness

After finally receiving my Bachelor's degree, it didn't take long before I found myself on the streets. Maybe this email plea that I sent out to all of my friends can clarify things:

Date: Apr 26, 2008
Subj: I'm Homeless! (with a bachelor's degree)

Hey, Everyone,

So, my lease is up tomorrow night and I'm getting kicked out of my apartment. Unfortunately, I cannot move into my sublet until May 1st. If anybody has an extra bedroom, or even a couch that I could live on from Sunday night through Wednesday night, and could help me out, please let me know. Everything from my apartment has been stored elsewhere, so I don't really have much stuff...just a couple small bags and my hamster.

Unlike some homeless people, I do have a bachelor's degree, and I'm clean, and I shower regularly, so you don't have to worry about that. My hamster on the other hand....well....at least he lives in a cage, which is more shelter than I have available at the moment. Anyway, please let me know if you can help me out. I really appreciate it!

Thanks!!!

-Paul


Luckily for me, I had several offers. Still, I knew that 'Kitty', my hamster, would be more of a hassle than my friends realized, so I decided that it would be best if I stayed at a different place each night.

For my first night, I stayed on my friend Travis' couch. He was already amused with my apparent homelessness, but he thought it very bizarre that I was walking the streets of Ann Arbor with a hamster cage in hand.

"What are you going to do with him while you're at work?", he asked.

Good question. Hmmmm. "I think I'm just going to leave him in the KKY/TBS office."

My fraternity had an office in the Michigan Union. Though, carrying a live animal through such a public place would likely be frowned upon. I ended up smuggling kitty's cage in underneath a sheet. Believe me, it was not discreet at all.

For Night Two, I stayed in Scott's condo. Kitty seemed much happier there at first, but Jek, Scott's dog, was absolutely out of control. He yapped constantly at the fuzzy critter that was only slightly smaller than himself. Before long, Kitty was panicked, and huddled in the corner of his cage in fear of a runt of a dog that no human being would ever find intimidating.

After another day of smuggling Kitty into the Union, I was offered an actual bed at my friend Jocelyn's house. Her roommate was out of town, so a whole room was available. At this point, it was obvious that Kitty was absolutely miserable. He had probably outgrown the cage, and wanted more than anything to get out, constantly trying to chew through the bars. I suppose this is partly my fault since I tended to overfeed him. Between me and Brian, we probably fed him twice as much hamster food as was recommended, and we both occassionally gave him little treats, like Wheat Thins or Cereal. Or Pasta. Or Steak. Or...Human Blood.

Anyway, I noticed that he really didn't fit in his cage anymore, and struggled to manuver through his little hamster tubes. "Just hang in there, Kitty," I told him. In one more day, I'd be in my new apartment, and I could finally let Kitty out for a bit.

During my last day of Kitty-smuggling, I was no longer making any attempts to be stealth. I walked right through the Union with my hamster cage out for the world to see, received the subsequent looks of shock, and held my head high. Not because I was proud, but because Kitty was really starting to smell bad.

"Just a couple more hours, Kitty." I placed his cage down on the desk in the KKY/TBS office, and grabbed my things to head to work. I think he may have understood me a little, because he seemed to be much less miserable all of a sudden, and started to run around the cage for a bit, weaving his fat hamster butt through the tubes.

After I finished work, I returned to the Union to pick up Kitty and take him to my new apartment. When I opened the door, a horrible, wretched sight lay before my eyes. Kitty was inside one of the tubes, his eyes and mouth wide open. He wasn't responding at all, and I quickly took apart the cage and pulled the tubes apart. I shook Kitty out of the tube and he plopped onto the floor of the cage like a rock. He was clearly dead, and moreover, he was soaking wet and reeked of urine.

It's difficult to put my frustration into words. Yes, I was upset that my beloved hamster died, but I think I was even more upset that I had worked so hard over the past few days taking care of him, only to have him die just before I moved into my new apartment. Apparently, all of my work was for nothing.

Could looking at the situation this way be considered cruel? Nah, I don't think so. Could disposing of him in the dumpster be considered cruel? I don't know. Could overfeeding your hamster, smuggling him around town, stuffing him in a cage too small for him, and causing him to get trapped in the hamster tubes and drown in his own piss be considered cruel? Well...umm...I....I think this blog entry needs to end now.

The Graduate

I done graduated.

What can I say about my four years as a student at The University of Michgan? I am proud to admit that many of the best and most important moments of my life have occurred during my time here. Looking back, so much has happened: Joining the Michigan Marching Band; becoming a fraternity brother; going to the Rose Bowl; witnessing my freshman roommate plummet from high school graduate to insane and drunken drug-abuser; learning to ski; performing in the University Band; the summer of hell at Universal Studios; marching my first pregame; December in San Antonio; volunteering in Mississippi; the summer of sexual harassment in Pasadena; becoming a rank leader; being elected president of my fraternity and gradually coming to terms with the fact that I don't always know what's best; another Rose Bowl; working for Malinda Matney at the Division of Student Affiars; writing my thesis on the ethics of BodyWorlds; winning the Governors' Cup; stepping down as president of my fraternity; studying abroad in France; joining the Central Student Judiciary; my senior year of band; experiencing the glory of "Paul Prog"; the Capitol One Bowl in Orlando; taking French and Portuguese; following my freshman year roommate disaster with three amazing roommates (Kevin, Manny, and Brian); performing in the MMB Saxophone Ensemble; getting a hamster; improving my skills as a student; making lifelong friends; and so many other things...

And now, I suppose I can add graduating to this list. The 2008 Commencement Ceremony at The University of Michigan was a bit unusual. Due to construction in Michigan Stadium, the University announced that graduation would be moved to Eastern Michigan University's stadium. As expected, the students were livid about this. In response to their anger, the administration hosted several student forums to try to find a solution to this issue.

As a student researcher in the Division of Student Affairs, I needed to attend these forums to administer surveys to the angry seniors. I understood why people were upset about the relocation of the commencement activities, but I myself was somewhat apathetic at the time. When the students were asked to give their thoughts, one girl's remarks stood out:

(Crazy) Girl: "Back in November, during the Ohio State game, I remember standing in that student section until the bitter end, feeling cold and miserable, and watching my team lose to Ohio State during my last home game. I turned to my friends behind me and said to them, 'Well, at least the next time I'm in this stadium it will be for a happier occassion.' Because I knew graduation would be a wonderful experience. And now, you....YOU!, the Administration, YOU are taking that experience away from me, and I think that that is absolutely, and unforgivably unacceptable!"

Whew! Standing there, wide-eyed, my first reaction was that this girl was insane, but then I noticed the other students around her nodding in agreement. Like I said before, I understood why these students would feel so passionately about this, but weren't they going a little overboard? Weren't they being a little harsh or unreasonable?

Here are my thoughts on the whole issue: I value my Michigan experiences just as much as, (and probably more than), any typical Michigan student. And that's just it: the "Experiences", all of those that I described before, those are the moments that I cherish. I really didn't care how or in what venue I would actually graduate. What matters to me are my four years of being a college student, not my final few hours.

After a long and arduous process, it was decided that commencement would be held on the Diag. Vice President Royster Harper told me that this would raise the cost of graduation from $500,000 to just under $1.8 million. Heh...I hope the University didn't lose any potential donors during this whole episode.

And, by the way, commencement on the Diag was sublime. It was a beautiful day, the blossoms and flowers were in bloom, and the speakers were magnificent. Many students still grumbled and complained, but I was happy, honored, and proud to call myself a Michigan Alum.

Me and Mom.

Me and Dad.

Mana and Uncle Mike

Mom and Mana.

The Victors

(to follow The Brothers)

And now we've come full circle. You can see that the final loss to Ohio State during my senior year at Michigan was certainly a heartbreaker. Perhaps my passion for Michigan Football and tradition had gone too far, but I don't regret that for a moment. And like I have said, the parallels between my senior years of college and high school have taught me to appreciate all that I have learned from my experiences, even if the end can't be so perfect.

Senior Altos with the "Senior Banner."

So, here we go. Now, after eight years of music, eight years of marching band, and eight years of heart-attack-inducing and drug-addition-triggering events, I had one final bowl game, and then I'd be done. We were slated to play in the Capital One Bowl in Orlando against the University of Florida. Here's the situation: Florida was the defending national champion, they were under the leadership of a Heisman-winning quarterback, and we'd have to play them in their home territory. We were huge underdogs, to put it mildly. This was slightly liberating, though. Since neither I nor any of my peers expected us to win, there was no tension. Our final bowl game would just be a relaxing few days of *FREE* vacation in Florida, a likely blowout loss in the bowl game, and then we'd head home.

Oh, yeah. I was a bus captain. Look how powerful I am.

As expected, the Capital One Bowl trip was more relaxing than trips in previous years. We were performing an easy modern Broadway show that didn't require much rehearsal. Most of our time was spent going to amusement parks or shopping. We spent New Year's Eve at Universal Studios Florida, where I managed to use my employee ID from my days at Universal Studios Hollywood to get 50% discounts for me and my friends. On top of that, I was REALLY impressed with the theme park. After working for a summer at Universal Studios Hollywood, I can vehemently and resolutely say that it is a HORRIBLE place. All of the visitors were always in a bad mood after waiting in endless lines for bad rides, only to wait in longer lines for disgusting food, and then hear me say to them, "Okay, chips and a soda will come out to.....$23.52." And then I would proceed to get verbally abused by them for hours on end, then I'd feel dumb and have to escape backstage to wallow in my own uselessness, and then I'd sense some slight comfort when the Dora the Explorer fuzzy character walked by, but then I'd freak out after she'd take off her mask and reveal a greasy looking guy from South Central with a black eye and a chip on his shoulder because "the man" wouldn't let him join the navy after he refused to confess to joyriding in a stolen vehicle.

Whoh, I got way off-track there. So, yeah. Universal Studios Florida. New Year's Eve. Better than expected. Huzzah!

Universal Studios Florida

When January 1st rolled around, the time had finally come to get spanked by Florida. To be honest, part of me still hoped for a win...just so Lloyd Carr could end his coaching career on a well-deserved high note, and also so the senior football players would earn a fulfulling win after four years of hard work and dedication. And just before I'd start to think that maybe...just maybe...we could actually win this thing, I'd remind myself that we were playing Florida, and then I'd pop some pills and cut my wrists a little bit and everything would go back to normal again.

From the beginning of the game, our offense looked a little different than usual. We were spreading the field more and throwing the ball more often. We scored a touchdown early, and, once again, my hopes lifted. Sure enough, Florida answered with two touchdown drives, and we were down 7-14. We managed to even it out with another touchdown, and then finished the first have with a remarkable drive to go up 21-14 with just eight seconds to go. We were BEATING Florida at halftime. Could it be too good to be true?

Me and Dustin at the game.

After some Wicked and Hairspray tunes, and some disco booty-shaking to "Dancing Queen", the second half was underway. A Mike Hart touchdown run stretched our lead to 28-14, and Florida subsequently tied it back up at 28-28 going into the fourth. In the final quarter, Florida's Percy Harvin scored to send Florida up 35-31. This was it. It had gone too far. My emotions had overcome any sense of reason, and I knew that my fellow seniors were in the same boat. We couldn't lose now...not with a win in reach. At this point, a loss would be like twisting the knife that Ohio State had so thoroughly plunged into our hearts.

Never fear, though, because Chad Henne and Adrian Arrington connected once more to solidify their career days with the final touchdown of the game. One late field goal completed the spectacular victory for the Maize and Blue. Final Score: Michigan 41 - Florida 35.

The feeling was sublime. It was unreal. Yet, it was so elegantly and perfectly appropriate. The coach and players deserved this win, and the world knew it. It was as if fate or karma was correcting itself; as if the lives of these individuals had perilously veered off track, but managed to steer back right before it was too late.

The Altos after the big win.

My fellow bandmembers and I stormed the field and joined the players in jubilation. If you asked me how I felt at this moment in time, I'm not sure I could give an adequate answer. Maybe there are no words than can really describe the emotion, or maybe there was no emotion to be felt. Happiness? Bliss? Perhaps at this point, we were simply beyond "feeling", and, here at the end, we had simply reached an "understanding;" an understanding that this was the way this particular story would end; this was the finale; this was the reconciliation between four evanescent years of dreaming and the final and absolute reality.

And as our eyes welled up and we began to truly appreciate this reality, I saw the players raise their beloved coach onto their shoulders. The rain was drizzling, as if serving as a gentle reminder of the obstacles overcome to get to this point. There they stood beneath the setting sun - the valiant leader and his victorious team. He hailed his players, and they hailed their mentor.

Far did our praises sing, as we bid farewell to an amazing coach - a true Michigan Man. We marched off of the field, fully sensing the finality of each step, because we knew this was it - we'd never come back to this. And, in recognition of the glory they bro't us on this final stage, among these friends and fans, we proudly hailed the victors one last time.

The Victors.

The Brothers

(to follow The Bay St. Louis Blues)

When it comes to my music experience during my junior year in college, my performing actually took a backseat to my leadership work and my life as president of my fraternity chapter.

My fraternity, Kappa Kappa Psi, is a national fraternity that focuses primarily on service to college bands. When I joined the brotherhood, I thought it would be a cool way to synthesize my musicianship with my desire to do service. Still, I wasn't very enthusiastic at first. I thought it would be a good way to meet people, but I didn't see myself becoming too involved.

And so, of course, I soon found myself running for president. Some of my friends and former leaders in the fraternity urged me to do it, partially because they thought I would do a good job, and partially because there didn't seem to be anyone else willing to step up. Whatever the reason, I reluctantly ran for the job, and won.

Clearly, I went into this position with the wrong attitude. Not only was my heart not completely in it, but I think I felt like I could do no wrong since some of my friends had practically begged me to run. I didn't seem to recognize the fact that I could make any bad decisions. I thought my brothers should just be happy to have me as an officer.

It didn't take long for me to learn my lesson. Some of my fellow officers questioned my opinions on our projects. At first, I simply disregarded them. After they persisted, I began to resent them for rejecting my ideas of what was best. In reality, I was a little intimidated, and I was in denial of my own shortcomings. Sure, a lot of their concerns and arguments were petty, but after a while I realized that there was some truth in their opinions.

I kept this in mind, trying to humble myself and change my attitude. Instead, I focused on improving myself as a leader rather than assuming I was already good at my job. And sure enough, I saw that my former mentality was actually common throughout my chapter. For years, our Kappa Kappa Psi chapter at Michigan had been one of the stronger and leading chapters in the midwest, but we were also complacent, and never really tried to find ways to make ourselves better. Why hadn't we won the Governors' Cup in years? Why didn't we get more awards and recognition? Complacency. THAT was our problem.

For the rest of the year, I tried to inspire a new attitude within the chapter to combat this attitude. We all tried to spearhead new and innovative projects, like a Band Directors' convention, and a high school Mentorship Program.

When March rolled around, it was once again time for the Kappa Kappa Psi North Central District Convention. This was an annual event where brothers across the midwest could attend workshops and bid for awards and honors. Once again, we were bidding for the Governors' Cup. Typically, this would involve a presentation to the Governors' and District Officers describing how great we are. However, this year we took a different approach. We described our issues with complacency, and discussed what we were doing to purge the attitude from our chapter. Additionally, as president, I was required to attend several Governors' summits, during which I had to share my thoughts on the fraternity with chapter presidents and national officers, and I was constantly being judged on what I was saying. It was an intimidating and stimulating experience.

Good thing we don't have any height requirements.

The final night of the convention consisted of the Awards Banquet. I was nervous throughout dinner. The Governors' Cup wasn't important to me because of the name and the prestige. Rather, it was important because I wanted my fellow brothers to have something to be proud of - something that would legitimize their efforts to change the way they looked at the fraternity.

It was the last award announced. The anxiety was building until they finally made the annoucement. "The 2007 Governors' Cup goes to...The Nu Chapter of The University of Michigan."

I walked to the front of the hall to pick up the award, applause all around. When I returned to the table, I saw the faces of my brothers glowing with pride and excitement. At that moment, I felt honored to lead such an amazing group of hard-working students.

They each touched the award and took photos with it. I think they all had similar thoughts when they saw the Cup up close. I mean, it wasn't really the nicest trophy. It was just...a thing. We all knew that the trophy itself didn't matter as much as what it represented. Our fraternity had changed a lot over the past year. We began to realize what "brotherhood" actually signified. Now, we were constantly growing and striving, and we knew we could always rely on each other for care and support.

And I guess the Governors' Cup itself was pretty cool to look at. Though, we would never dream of possibly using it to serve drinks, of course. Tra la la la. ;-)

The Bros.

The Bay St. Louis Blues

(to follow The Roses, Revisited)

I think I've made this point quite clear: My musical experiences have significantly enhanced and appreciated my personal growth throughout my life. I will forever value the opportunities that have been available to me as a result of this. And what better way to recognize the value of these skills than give others the chance to have the same sort of experiences?

During my sophomore year at Michigan, Hurricane Katrina terrorized the Gulf Coast. From miles away in Michigan, we could only hear stories and see pictures of the destruction, but we couldn't really fathom its enormity. We had heard that entire high schools had been washed away and were having difficulties rebuilding. My fraternity brothers and I spearheaded an instrument and music drive in the Detroit area to gather instruments for a high school music program that was destroyed and discontinued due to the hurricane.

By the time Spring Break rolled around, we had gathered $40,000 worth of instruments, and were preparing to caravan and deliver them to a needy high school in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi. While others were tanning in Cancun, we crammed 16 people into 4 cars, and began driving south. After my initial concerns, I was happy to see that Alabama and Mississippi weren't quite as backwards as I thought. I mean...they did actually have roads, and electricity, and even a couple of democrats over down thar.

When we got to Bay St. Louis, the destruction was mindblowing. Seven months after the Hurricane, it looked as if the area was devastated only recently. Clearly, reconstruction was a formidable task, and Bay St. Louis was not getting as much attention as the bigger cities like New Orleans. We delivered the instruments to St. Stanislaus High School, where the principal gave us a tour and vivid description of the extent of the damage. The band director was elated to see our donation, as he was laid off due to the fact that there was no band room in which to teach, and could now regain his position and better support his wife and newborn baby. To celebrate the donation, some of the students joined us in performing at the Bay St. Louis Mardi Gras Parade. I was part of the makeshift drumline as a cymbal player. Our performance quality fell somewhere in between "amateur" and "drunken USC Trojan band sound."

In addition to all of this, we did some volunteer work clearing debris, repairing electrical damage, and rebuilding a kitchen. My duties involved ripping rotten floorboards away and replacing them with better tiling. In all honesty, I was really REALLY bad at this. I felt like I was doing more permanent damage than Hurricane Katrina itself, yet the lead volunteers assured me that I was only slightly inept.

We also replaced an entire roof that was rotting away from the rain damage. Now, I could actually handle this task. In fact, I'd say that I did a pretty decent job even. Perhaps holding the powerful nail gun in my hands just amplified my confidence and efficiency. Maybe that's why these Southerners love their guns and NRA memberships. It gives them a false sense of confidence and strength that blinds them from their own incompetence. I mean...uhhh....yeah, guns rock! Hey, y'all, let's build us a dad-gamn roof and then head over to Applebee's for some beers and some ribs! And then we'll get drunk and go obliterate Auburn in the Iron Bowl! Go, BAMA! Go, DUBYA! Long live the Confederacy!

Ooops...focus focus focus. Anyway, in the end, it was a great and fulfilling trip. It really inspired us to value those opportunities that we often take for granted, like even having THE CHANCE to play an instrument in high school. Hopefully our work was successful in offering these Mississippi students a sense of normalcy since the hurricane.

Since we left, the donated instruments have been put to use, and the high school band program has been reinstated. So, if you ever find yourself in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi, stop by and listen to the St. Stanislaus band and let me know how they sound! But, if you see any rebuilt roofs that have recently collapsed....well....no.....you don't have to let me know about that.

The Roses, Revisited

(to follow The EuroTrip)

Down 17 points with just seven minutes in the game, I started to think that it had all been too good to be true. There I was, six months removed from my life as a high school student in La Canada - only now the word "Spartan" invoked a virulent disdain in my mind. No, I didn't resent my high school roots. I merely shifted into my new life as a Michigan Wolverine, moving on from my red and gold band uniform to sport my new Maize and Blue digs. And on this cold night in October 2004, I was watching the Michigan State Spartans manhandle my beloved team 27-10.

Here's the situation: We were just a few wins away from a Big Ten Title. A conference championship would mean a return to the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. For me, it was my chance to return to my home - to the friends and family that supported me unconditionally throughout my life - and show them what I had accomplished since high school, that I wanted to represent my community in the best way possible since I moved away, and that I was proud of my roots. With each passing week of the season, this prospect seemed more and more likely, but these Green and White Spartans were just about to prevent that dream from ever coming to fruition.

With around six minutes to go, kicker Garrett Rivas nailed a 24-yarder, narrowing the margin to 27-13. Even so, the crowd behind me didn't seem optimistic. Moments later, we successfully recovered an onside kick, making things more interesting. Then it happened: two quick plays, and Braylon Edwards caught a beautiful 36-yard pass in the endzone just a couple of yards in front of where I was standing. On the next drive, another beautiful touchdown pass to Braylon Edwards caused me to jump so high that I came down hard and thouroughly destroyed my chair. 27-27 at the end of the fourth. Tie game.

Three overtimes, one field goal, and two spectacular touchdowns later, I found myself storming the field with my fellow Maize and Blue-clad bandmembers. Words cannot describe the joy I felt as I cheered and gazed at a beautiful sight on the Michigan Stadium scoreboard. Michigan 45 - MSU 37.

The next few weeks passed quickly. Everything was falling into place. After Wisconsin's fall from grace, Michigan had clinched a bid to the Rose Bowl. My little brother, the Prap, would be marching in the Rose Parade with the Tournament of Roses Honor Band. It even looked like my older brother would be joining the party, as Cal Football seemed to be Rose Bowl bound, as well. On top of all of this, the theme of the Rose Parade was "Celebrate Family." Was it fate? Whatever it was, something glorious seemed to be happening.

Now, one thing stood in my way: "Final Look." This was the last challenge of the year in the Michigan Marching Band. We would be trying out for a spot in the Rose Bowl, and seeing as how my section was one of the most competative in the band, my chances were not good. Still, I wanted so badly to go home and perform for my friends and family that I prepared relentlessly for the challenge. I spent the weekend videotaping my technique, and even went to the practice field late at night to improve my fundamentals. In my mind, NOT making this game was simply not an option.

The night of Final Look finally arrived. I was confident, and I knew I had prepared as best as I possibly could. When it was my turn, I took a deep breath, waited for the whistle command, and stepped off. Like every challenge, the experience is so nerveracking that, once it's over, you can't remember ANY of it. All I felt was my confidence being replaced with anxiety. In a few hours, the results would be posted online. All I could do was wait.

For some wildly idiotic reason, all of the altos decided to get together and wait until the list was posted. I thought this was strange, since it was bound to be awkward. Half of the people in the room would receive happy news, while the others would be devastated. Anyway, my prediction turned out to be true. The list came out, some were upset, and some were ecstatic. And fortunately for me, I was among the latter.

Yes, I would be returning home to perform for my community. In fact, I was one of the only freshman woodwinds to even be selected to go. The pride I felt seemed to be everlasting. For the next month, every time I reminded myself that I was going to the Rose Bowl - that I would be marching in the greatest parade in the world for the third consecutive year - I could not help but smile...Which probably explains the awkward looks I received from others walking by me on the streets. Whatever.



The Rose Bowl trip itself was sublime. We actually practiced on my high school field, the very field on which I had graduated just months before, and the very field where I spent countless hours practicing with the La Canada High School Band. With my high school peers in attendance, I couldn't help but feel like I had come full circle. What were the odds that I would be there again? What were the odds that I would be marching the Rose Parade one more time? Only this time with hundreds of new friends, and a new fight song.

Each day of the trip was euphoric. We performed at Universal Studios, where I had led a parade just a year before. We played at the Rose Bowl's kickoff luncheon, where I waved at my friend Kara as she stood among the other Rose Princesses. We blasted The Victors down Colorado Boulevard, where I had marched for upwards of 20 miles over three New Year's Days. And we cheered our team in the Rose Bowl - the granddaddy of all bowl games - in one of the greatest and most exciting games of my life.

This entire experience is a testament to the value and importance of my musical education. It's amazing what opportunities can arise just from learning how to play the saxophone. For others, the "Freshman Experience" consisted of getting drunk, gaining weight, and growing a filthy beard. Mine was different. I used my musical background to become part of something great, which undeniably enhanced my college career.

Forget the fact that we lost to Texas on a last-second field goal. There are greater emotions than those that result from a win. I was proud of how far I had come over the past six months...even if I was standing in some of the same places I had been before. Spartan or Wolverine. "Red and Gold" or "Maize and Blue". La Canada, California or Ann Arbor, Michigan. Regardless of the label or mascot or colors, it's fulfilling to be part of a community of people who will cheer you on and support you no matter what.

Well, as long as that community isn't Texas. Their fans actually pelted us with sirloin steaks after the game. Good fans shouldn't take their victories over Michigan and rub them in our faces, though I understand that these things are 'rare'. Or maybe they were 'medium-well'. I don't remember.






The MMB visits The LC.