News Reporter: “In local news, an Echo Park girl is raped by a 22 year-old man. The Pictures – at 11:00.”
Me: “Pictures?”
-TV anchor in local news commercial.
“Yea, I had to examine his private area. Believe me…I wasn’t impressed.”
-One of the doctors at work after examining a patient.
Dad: “The Cleaning Lady stole our plunger!”
Mom: “Are you sure? Why would they steal the plunger and not my jewelry?”
Kisho: “Well, to Mexican people, plungers are like gold.”
Me: “Mom, I don’t think you realize how fat the cat has gotten. Why don’t you just feed it less?”
Mom: “It’s survival of the fittest. Boots bites me, and I feed him.”
Friday, June 22, 2007
The Company Picnic
Let me just say that our family outings are absolutely rife with dysfunction and verge on worldwide social upheaval. A couple days ago, my mom and dad took me, Nicky, and Ashton to Mom’s company picnic for all of the doctors in her office. It was about 45 minutes away, so Step One involved us driving from Point A to Point B without any significant injuries. To facilitate the experience, my dad was using some new portable GPS system with some computer woman’s voice to navigate us. Just as we pulled out of the driveway, my mom began lecturing us:
Mom: “Okay, boys. When we’re at the party, you guys need to make sure you act rich. All the other doctors think we’re rich since we live in La Cañada, and I don’t want them to know the truth.”
Us: “Okay, Mom.”
Mom: “Good. You can practice on the way over.”
Ashton: “Let’s see…Can I say, ‘I know I just got a laptop for my bar mitzvah…but can I have a new one?’”
Mom: “Yeah, like that. Good one!”
GPS Lady: “After 100 Feet, Turn Right onto 2 Freeway South”
Dad: “See…she’s telling us where to go.”
Mom: “I don’t need her to tell me. I can get there myself.”
Nicky: “How about this? We just got a brand new Mercedes. I don’t really like it that much.”
Me: “I know. The color is awful. I feel like I can only drive it in La Crescenta. Can we get a better Mercedes so that I won’t be embarrassed to be seen in, Mom?”
Mom: “That’s good. But we don’t want to sound too much like jerks.”
GPS Lady: “After 100 Feet, Merge Right. Take the 134 Freeway ramp. Ventura.”
Mom: “Stupid GPS Bitch. I know how to get there.”
Dad: “She’s just trying to help!”
Me: “Speaking of help, good help is SOOO hard to find. I mean, our cleaning ladies aren’t very good at cleaning my room. You know…Whatshername…Rosario or Maria or whatever.”
Ashton: “Yea, I know. I saw her the other day and I was like, “Maria, you didn’t clean my room bueno enough.”
Mom: “Ashton! No, you can’t say stuff like that! You guys can act rich without being racist!”
(Silence)
GPS Lady: “Now drive to the end of the road, and take the Ferry.”
Everyone: “What?”
The actual picnic experience can’t effectively be put into words. Basically, Dad discussed Chinese restaurants with every seemingly Asian-looking person at the party, Mom somehow won a massive pair of sunglasses, which were subsequently stolen by a little kid, Ashton terrorized the Bounce House, Nicky got harassed by a magician, then plotted exactly how Rowlf would go about eating all of the little children at the party, then somehow broke the entire playground, and I stole a bunch of food and smuggled it home. Go Us!
Mom: “Okay, boys. When we’re at the party, you guys need to make sure you act rich. All the other doctors think we’re rich since we live in La Cañada, and I don’t want them to know the truth.”
Us: “Okay, Mom.”
Mom: “Good. You can practice on the way over.”
Ashton: “Let’s see…Can I say, ‘I know I just got a laptop for my bar mitzvah…but can I have a new one?’”
Mom: “Yeah, like that. Good one!”
GPS Lady: “After 100 Feet, Turn Right onto 2 Freeway South”
Dad: “See…she’s telling us where to go.”
Mom: “I don’t need her to tell me. I can get there myself.”
Nicky: “How about this? We just got a brand new Mercedes. I don’t really like it that much.”
Me: “I know. The color is awful. I feel like I can only drive it in La Crescenta. Can we get a better Mercedes so that I won’t be embarrassed to be seen in, Mom?”
Mom: “That’s good. But we don’t want to sound too much like jerks.”
GPS Lady: “After 100 Feet, Merge Right. Take the 134 Freeway ramp. Ventura.”
Mom: “Stupid GPS Bitch. I know how to get there.”
Dad: “She’s just trying to help!”
Me: “Speaking of help, good help is SOOO hard to find. I mean, our cleaning ladies aren’t very good at cleaning my room. You know…Whatshername…Rosario or Maria or whatever.”
Ashton: “Yea, I know. I saw her the other day and I was like, “Maria, you didn’t clean my room bueno enough.”
Mom: “Ashton! No, you can’t say stuff like that! You guys can act rich without being racist!”
(Silence)
GPS Lady: “Now drive to the end of the road, and take the Ferry.”
Everyone: “What?”
The actual picnic experience can’t effectively be put into words. Basically, Dad discussed Chinese restaurants with every seemingly Asian-looking person at the party, Mom somehow won a massive pair of sunglasses, which were subsequently stolen by a little kid, Ashton terrorized the Bounce House, Nicky got harassed by a magician, then plotted exactly how Rowlf would go about eating all of the little children at the party, then somehow broke the entire playground, and I stole a bunch of food and smuggled it home. Go Us!
The Paycheck
So, the University of Michigan gave me a rash. No joke. Allow me to explain:
For some reason, my last paycheck from my school job didn’t go through and I didn’t get paid for my final two weeks. Unfortunately, by payday, I was already home in California, my rent check was already at the landlord’s in Ann Arbor, and the nearest TCF bank was 2000 miles away, so I couldn’t easily make a deposit. When I contacted the payroll people about it, they said it “errored out,” and they would fix it. After nothing happened, I called them again, and they said it “errored out” again because of some financial aid issue. Ultimately, I got paid 3 hours after my rent check was cashed, earning me a hefty $33 fee!
Meanwhile, I was at home preparing to interview for some summer jobs. My dad took my nice clothes to the dry-cleaners, and I only had one chance to go pick them up before my interview. Alas, my parents didn’t leave me any money to pay for it, and I didn’t have any money in my bank accounts (thanks to Michigan Payroll). Bottom line is, I couldn’t get my dry-cleaning. For my interview, I had to borrow one of my dad’s shirts, which he picked up a few days before from the other, “organic” dry cleaner store since the normal dry cleaners had only just reopened following their Store-On-Fire-Clothes-Went-Up-In-Flames debacle from a few months ago. Whatev.
Apparently, the “organic” dry-cleaned clothes had some nasty reaction with my skin, and I got a rash across my arms and shoulders. Sucks.
So because I didn’t get paid, my rent check bounced…And I was charged a $33 fee. And I couldn’t afford dry-cleaning. And I didn’t have any money to buy my Ohio State Football Tickets from the band before they ran out. And I have a rash.
Thanks, Michigan Payroll. You Rock.
For some reason, my last paycheck from my school job didn’t go through and I didn’t get paid for my final two weeks. Unfortunately, by payday, I was already home in California, my rent check was already at the landlord’s in Ann Arbor, and the nearest TCF bank was 2000 miles away, so I couldn’t easily make a deposit. When I contacted the payroll people about it, they said it “errored out,” and they would fix it. After nothing happened, I called them again, and they said it “errored out” again because of some financial aid issue. Ultimately, I got paid 3 hours after my rent check was cashed, earning me a hefty $33 fee!
Meanwhile, I was at home preparing to interview for some summer jobs. My dad took my nice clothes to the dry-cleaners, and I only had one chance to go pick them up before my interview. Alas, my parents didn’t leave me any money to pay for it, and I didn’t have any money in my bank accounts (thanks to Michigan Payroll). Bottom line is, I couldn’t get my dry-cleaning. For my interview, I had to borrow one of my dad’s shirts, which he picked up a few days before from the other, “organic” dry cleaner store since the normal dry cleaners had only just reopened following their Store-On-Fire-Clothes-Went-Up-In-Flames debacle from a few months ago. Whatev.
Apparently, the “organic” dry-cleaned clothes had some nasty reaction with my skin, and I got a rash across my arms and shoulders. Sucks.
So because I didn’t get paid, my rent check bounced…And I was charged a $33 fee. And I couldn’t afford dry-cleaning. And I didn’t have any money to buy my Ohio State Football Tickets from the band before they ran out. And I have a rash.
Thanks, Michigan Payroll. You Rock.
The Power Outage
Here is Reason #708 why my family can’t function at home when I’m not there:
So, we have a cable that powers our house that stretches over our swimming pool for some wildly idiotic reason. Anyway, a few weeks before I came home for the summer, all the lights in the house started flickering, and then Ashton’s computer started to make shocking noises until smoke was coming out of it. Eventually, every light and electronic device in the house went out until my dad somehow fixed the cable. Unfortunately, our refrigerator somehow got zapped in the process and wasn’t working anymore. For about a week, our house was sans-Fridge, and my dad accommodated for this by installing Scott’s old dorm room micro-fridge in the laundry room, and (not-so-cleverly) on top of the dryer. This would have been a satisfactory alternative, except the vibrations from the dryer kept tossing around all the food inside and whenever someone opened it, that person would be bombarded with yogurts, or lunch meat, or half-full cans of cat food, as everything fell out onto the floor.
If any of you come over to my house and want something to drink, I suggest opening any soda cans at your own risk! DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM.
The Mystery of the Missing Headphones
So, since Ashton doesn’t like using his ghetto computer speakers, he uses a pair of headphones with an unnecessarily long 12-foot cable that Dad gave him. He woke up the other day only to find that the aforementioned headphones were missing from his computer and everything on his desk was shuffled all over the place. He looked frantically until he saw a cable stretched across the dining room floor.
Ashton leaned over and gave it a tug, but it wouldn’t budge. When he investigated the matter, he found Teddy lying under the table, completely wrapped in headphone wires. After a few more tugs, Teddy finally got up and walked off…with the cable and headphones dragging across the floor behind her. Ashton desperately tried to unwrap her, which is no easy task, seeing as how Teddy is old and decrepit and can barely move her limbs as it is, until he got to the root of the source. And by “source”, I mean Teddy’s butt. And by “root”, I mean the poop jammed in her butt that was sticking to the headphone cable. Huzzah!
The Lowdown
I should probably explain a few things to prevent any confusion.
A lot of these posts describe my friends and family. Sometimes, especially with my brothers, I may refer to them using different nicknames. Here is a guide to start out:
Me: Paul
My older brother (22): Scott
My younger brother (18): Nicky, aka "The Prap," aka "Prapo"
My youngest brother (15): Ashton, aka "Kisho," aka "Kishant," aka "Baby"
.....Really, just don't ask, I'll clarify later.
A lot of these posts describe my friends and family. Sometimes, especially with my brothers, I may refer to them using different nicknames. Here is a guide to start out:
Me: Paul
My older brother (22): Scott
My younger brother (18): Nicky, aka "The Prap," aka "Prapo"
My youngest brother (15): Ashton, aka "Kisho," aka "Kishant," aka "Baby"
.....Really, just don't ask, I'll clarify later.
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