The Company Picnic

Let me just say that our family outings are absolutely rife with dysfunction and verge on worldwide social upheaval. A couple days ago, my mom and dad took me, Nicky, and Ashton to Mom’s company picnic for all of the doctors in her office. It was about 45 minutes away, so Step One involved us driving from Point A to Point B without any significant injuries. To facilitate the experience, my dad was using some new portable GPS system with some computer woman’s voice to navigate us. Just as we pulled out of the driveway, my mom began lecturing us:

Mom: “Okay, boys. When we’re at the party, you guys need to make sure you act rich. All the other doctors think we’re rich since we live in La Cañada, and I don’t want them to know the truth.”
Us: “Okay, Mom.”
Mom: “Good. You can practice on the way over.”
Ashton: “Let’s see…Can I say, ‘I know I just got a laptop for my bar mitzvah…but can I have a new one?’”
Mom: “Yeah, like that. Good one!”

GPS Lady: “After 100 Feet, Turn Right onto 2 Freeway South”
Dad: “See…she’s telling us where to go.”
Mom: “I don’t need her to tell me. I can get there myself.”

Nicky: “How about this? We just got a brand new Mercedes. I don’t really like it that much.”
Me: “I know. The color is awful. I feel like I can only drive it in La Crescenta. Can we get a better Mercedes so that I won’t be embarrassed to be seen in, Mom?”
Mom: “That’s good. But we don’t want to sound too much like jerks.”

GPS Lady: “After 100 Feet, Merge Right. Take the 134 Freeway ramp. Ventura.”
Mom: “Stupid GPS Bitch. I know how to get there.”
Dad: “She’s just trying to help!”

Me: “Speaking of help, good help is SOOO hard to find. I mean, our cleaning ladies aren’t very good at cleaning my room. You know…Whatshername…Rosario or Maria or whatever.”
Ashton: “Yea, I know. I saw her the other day and I was like, “Maria, you didn’t clean my room bueno enough.”

Mom: “Ashton! No, you can’t say stuff like that! You guys can act rich without being racist!”

(Silence)


GPS Lady: “Now drive to the end of the road, and take the Ferry.”

Everyone: “What?”


The actual picnic experience can’t effectively be put into words. Basically, Dad discussed Chinese restaurants with every seemingly Asian-looking person at the party, Mom somehow won a massive pair of sunglasses, which were subsequently stolen by a little kid, Ashton terrorized the Bounce House, Nicky got harassed by a magician, then plotted exactly how Rowlf would go about eating all of the little children at the party, then somehow broke the entire playground, and I stole a bunch of food and smuggled it home. Go Us!